memorialgarden

The price for loving someone is steep; grief is a part of it when we loose someone we love. As long as there was love, healing will always follow. It may take a while, but healing will happen. Love is truly amazing; they say that love conquers all. You will truly appreciate the love that you had for child that you miscarried after the wounds are healed. The scaring will remain, but the day will come when you look back and actually smile when you remember the little details of your pregnancy that brought you joy.  You pregnancy was a special blessing and you will get to a place where you remember the time you had with joy.

Most people remember their miscarriages as a strange whirlwind of emotions that was surreal. First you get caught in the grips of the fear of what might happen, then as you go through the actual miscarriage, the immense sadness, anger, and disappointment.  Somewhere through all that fog of grief, there may be other children dealing with their own understanding of the situation, these are the siblings of the miscarried baby.  As hard as it may be this isn’t the time to gloss over death to child, it is time to open honest and sincere lines of communication with your other children. They need to know that people die because they get extremely ill, or get extremely hurt. You will be amazed how much children can understand.  By not talking to your children they may fear death, even go as far feeling guilty and somehow responsible for the loss. 

When the pain of a miscarriage or pregnancy loss gets unbearable, it is tempting to pick up a bottle of wine or an alcoholic beverage to numb that pain. It is also tempting to use prescription drugs to cope, to help you sleep or to help you take the edge off the pain. While this method of dealing with your grief may only work for a short while, the grief is still there when you are done with the effects of your drink or drugs. All you are doing is postponing the reality of dealing with the grief of your miscarriage.  If you are tempted to turn to a substance to help through your grief, seek help. Talk to someone and let them know what is going on. 

There is such an injustice at loosing a child. The anguish can be deep and intense.  After the initial shock wears off and the realization that you will not see your child again or see your child’s face, can be too hard to swallow. The yearnings to hold your child can be unbearable; it seems easier just to forget none of it ever happened especially after a miscarriage. This is what a lot of women do, unfortunately every now and then the painful pangs return usually accompanied by guilt.   That is why it so important to remember your baby. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate garden; even a small garden or a potted plant will suffice. Even something simple as mentioning your child’s name is conversation can help your heal. Mentioning your child’s name is a way to honor the baby’s memory.

Grieving is very tiring both physically and emotionally.  One spouse may feel like they just want to lie down and go to sleep,  the other may seek the intimacy and closeness, that assures them that they are still as one.  This is the hardest part- because the seeking of intimacy comes across like there is no grief, no understanding.  How can someone think of intimacy when a baby has died?  Remember that everyone grieves differently and the only way to come together as a couple is through communication.  Even if you feel too tired to talk don’t shut your spouse out.  They have no idea how you are feeling, thinking or exactly how they need to react.

After a miscarriage or after the loss of your baby the last thing you need is a bunch of e-mails or mail from pregnancy support clubs, coupons, free samples.  It’s a painful reminder, and it always happens when you think you are doing better when you get a coupon for your baby’s 1 year birthday. It can be very depressing.   So, how do you stop all those mailings?  Simple visit this website, it a service of the USPS.  Fill out the card and send it in or fill it out online, this should stop some of the mailing traffic. 

http://www.usps.com/postalinspectors/fraud/GetOffMailingLists.htm

Deer are always fun to look at in your backyard but when they inflict damage to your plants, you find yourself scrambling to find solutions.  Last winter I planted Rhodies in the memorial garden.  I had purchased plants that were a few years old- standing 3 to 4 feet high.  By spring all that was left was bare stalks.  I don’t know if it was deer that got them or the resident bunnies. This winter I netted the plants- hopefully they have a chance.  I don’t want to get rid of the deer just deter them from certain plants, it must be thin pickings in the woods that drives the deer into town in search of food.  I don’t want them wandering  further into town, so I am willing to share our space.  I will be definitely looking for deer resistant plants in the spring.  I have my list and already  I know I will be stocking up on Russian sages , lavender and bee balm.

image from www.cutdriedflowerfarm.com

I am always looking around for things to make to sell as gifts to raise money for our garden. We have several sales a year, the Christmas bake sale, we sell homemade Jelly’s and Jams. In the Easter we sell fresh flower baskets. I am considering starting a summer flower sale and include unique memorial gifts. My criteria is that it has to be tasteful and unique.  It has to be something that is not available locally and has to be made with love and care (Which isn’t a problem since the ladies in the group take such pride and care in what they do)  I saw these hanging baskets in a book and thought they looked awesome and unique. What a great gift they would make. They seemed simple enough to make. 

Purchase cone-shaped wire frames. Line the cones with slim bundles of dried grass. Line the inside with plastic to prevent staining the straw. The baskets are filled with a soil less hanging basket potting mix and some-release fertilizer for nutrients. I am definitely adding this to our list of possible crafts. 

Sitting by the window looking at the graying landscape, it feels like a typical winter day today. It’s cold, windy and there are a scattered snow flakes. I can’t help but imagine having a window garden next season.  If you are short on garden space this is a great idea.  There are just so many options for window garden, you can even plant salad vegetables, strawberries or of course flowers.  My office/desk window is on the second floor, so I am thinking something more dramatic, striking and colorful.  Maybe some fuchsia or some wave petunias, something that will trail and give a wispy feel; with a lot of movement. The best part about winter is it gives me time to plan and prepare for next years projects.  You can also plan on giving a window garden as a gift to a friend in memory of a child.   The plants should low maintenance, I would actually volunteer to keep the garden kept for them.

When designing the memorial garden, it was my goal to have different garden rooms.  Each room was to elicit some kind of emotion or reaction.  Our garden is going to have 4 separate garden rooms.  Right now, we are still in room number one.  The statue is visible from the parking lot, however the path wanders around before you get to it.  The last bend of the path, I planted a shrub to obscure the statue, so once you round the bend there she is.  Behind her she is framed by two lilacs (which are on either side of the path behind her). The goal of the lilacs to center your eyes on the statue.  The lilacs are still small (about 4 feet high) but I can see what they will look like in a few more growing seasons. The path then wanders around the statue and leads you down a path where you can’t really tell what is round the bend.  I should share pictures to give you a better idea.  Or you can visit our website www.life-garden.org