memorialgarden

It is not only about tears and pain while working through the grief for a pregnancy loss.  I have spent the last four or so years dwelling on the actual miscarriage; the intricate details of the days leading up to the miscarriage, the long night, and the even longer day following the loss.  The physical recovery phase is all a blur but all I remember about that time, is the immense sadness and emptiness I felt.  Lately I have decided on a different approach; how about focusing on the happier times. 

The excitement and anxiety surrounding the positive pregnancy test, the days when I walked around with a secret smile on my face.  I still remember gently rubbing my swelling belly in anticipation of the new life growing within; I tried back then to imagine what the baby would look like.  I was convinced I was carrying a boy and I also day dreamed and imagined how he’d fit into our family and what kind of personality he’d have.  I think of those days and I smile.  It was a fun and beautiful dance and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

Our actual Memorial Garden site had so much possibility – we obtained the property in October 2006.  It’s a south facing slope, next to a parking lot and cemetery.  This makes for a serene and quiet spot since it sits off the main drag.  It’s about a quarter of an acre in size.  As the picture shows it was originally covered in “weeds” of all varieties. 

Issues we were confronted with included –

Irrigation:  The nearest water supply was more than 300 yards away. 

Soil Type:  The ground was very rocky like most of the ground around here in this glacier formed landscape.  There is not much organic matter in the soil its dry and compacted.  But we knew it can support life because of all the weeds.

Location:  the slight slope made water runoff an issue.

We knew that working, tilling the dirt would be great therapy for our wounded hearts.

I love gardening, I have always loved being outdoors and working in the dirt and getting on my knees and pulling weeds out by their roots.  When house hunting most people admire the floor plan or the curb appeal of a house; I spend my time looking for a house that shows the potential to nurture a beautiful and thriving garden.  There is something to be said about a true gardener who discovers the sync in nature’s cycles and peoples life cycles.  That unfortunately was not where my healing journey started.  I suffered my first miscarriage in the dead (no pun intended) of winter which was appropriate. At the time I knew that spring would bring better brighter days for my garden but I was not sure what spring would bring to my broken body and heart.