memorialgarden

Can you mourn a blighted ovum? Yes, you can and should. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise or don’t let the notion of there was no baby hold back your tears. There was conception, so there was a life, a life that you cherished and loved; a life that meant something. You cannot pretend that your feelings were not real since the baby wasn’t real.  We have no idea what causes blighted ovum but we sure know what they start as… a baby.   So whether you believed that there was a baby or not the psychological buildup is still there, so you should go through the grieving process. Let yourself cry…

If you are here because your search brought you to this page- my heart goes out to you.  Bleeding in early pregnancy could be a sign that you are having a miscarriage.  With all that said, bleeding doesn’t necessarily mean a miscarriage. Schedule an appointment to see your doctor ASAP and insist on being seen. If anything can be done, it is best to be addressed early on. Rest… Rest… rest… If your doctor confirms your worst fears, there is nothing that can prepare you for the sinking feeling in your heart except the slim hope that your doctors might be wrong. That is the best time to reach out to women who have walked in your shoes before you. The internet is full of support groups, and forums geared towards providing you with support.

Here are some helpful links to support groups

www.messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhmiscarriag

www.mend.org

www.silentgrief.com

Babycenter’s chat group are always filled with understanding women

www.babycenter.com/chat

People think that remembering your baby on the day of your loss may be strange practice, on this day you will notice how different you feel, maybe more cynical, weary or maybe more determined. Whatever changes you loss brought it is important to acknowledge it.

It is important to know that this day can be a major setback in your healing process if you are not prepared in advance. People spend the day going down a list of “What ifs”. You child will always be a part of you and so it is important to mark and remember this day. It is okay to feel sad. It is also important to do some kind of ritual to feel close to your baby.  Simple things you can do

·        A balloon release

·        Plant a tree

·        Buy a small token for your memory box

·        Write a journal entry for your memory box

(On a personal note: I always feel sad because I lost the innocence associated with a healthy pregnancy, whenever I see a pregnant woman, I feel the need to pray for the pregnancy that it turns out fine and that she may never have to endure a pregnancy loss)

After a miscarriage it is normal to feel that life has no meaning or no purpose. Those first few days are always the hardest, besides feeling the physical pain; the emotional pain can also keep you down. One of the best ways to get yourself off the sofa is to find or accept support. Let people take care of you, don’t try and be a super woman. If people offer to cook meals for you, or run your errands let them. Besides it being helpful to you, it also helps them through their healing process. You will find that your family dynamic has changed, as it works its way through the change try not to make any major decisions during this initial phase. 

I was looking through one of my gardening books and in it I found an interesting gift.  It was called a Grow your own wine kit.  Looks like something I would like to receive.

Materials

• Wooden wine box
• Sandpaper
• Varnish
• Paint brush
• Grape vine
• Pot
• Compost
• Clean empty wine bottles
• New corks
• Demijohn

1. Sand down the wine box and vanish the box
2. Let the box dry
3. Decorate the box with artwork (If you are talented)
4. Design some labels for the plant growing instruction and for the wine making instructions
5. Arrange the wine bottles, corks in small pot, demijohn and potted grape vine in the wine box- making an attractive presentation. Fill the wine box with bark.

After you loose a baby, you have to let you body heal not only from the wounds of your loss but also the other symptoms that go along with the stress of the situation.  Chances are you are not sleeping well.  You may feel like you are walking in a fog unable to remember anything, unable to concentrate on any task at hand.  Don’t try and take on too much.  Allow yourself the time to exhale and breath.  If you feel like you are loosing it, this is all normal.  But if you feel your depression is becoming too oppressive, and talking about it isn’t helping, maybe you should seek professional help.  Talk to your doctor, midwife or health care provider. They will understand and point you in the right direction.

The price for loving someone is steep; grief is a part of it when we loose someone we love. As long as there was love, healing will always follow. It may take a while, but healing will happen. Love is truly amazing; they say that love conquers all. You will truly appreciate the love that you had for child that you miscarried after the wounds are healed. The scaring will remain, but the day will come when you look back and actually smile when you remember the little details of your pregnancy that brought you joy.  You pregnancy was a special blessing and you will get to a place where you remember the time you had with joy.

Most people remember their miscarriages as a strange whirlwind of emotions that was surreal. First you get caught in the grips of the fear of what might happen, then as you go through the actual miscarriage, the immense sadness, anger, and disappointment.  Somewhere through all that fog of grief, there may be other children dealing with their own understanding of the situation, these are the siblings of the miscarried baby.  As hard as it may be this isn’t the time to gloss over death to child, it is time to open honest and sincere lines of communication with your other children. They need to know that people die because they get extremely ill, or get extremely hurt. You will be amazed how much children can understand.  By not talking to your children they may fear death, even go as far feeling guilty and somehow responsible for the loss. 

When the pain of a miscarriage or pregnancy loss gets unbearable, it is tempting to pick up a bottle of wine or an alcoholic beverage to numb that pain. It is also tempting to use prescription drugs to cope, to help you sleep or to help you take the edge off the pain. While this method of dealing with your grief may only work for a short while, the grief is still there when you are done with the effects of your drink or drugs. All you are doing is postponing the reality of dealing with the grief of your miscarriage.  If you are tempted to turn to a substance to help through your grief, seek help. Talk to someone and let them know what is going on. 

There is such an injustice at loosing a child. The anguish can be deep and intense.  After the initial shock wears off and the realization that you will not see your child again or see your child’s face, can be too hard to swallow. The yearnings to hold your child can be unbearable; it seems easier just to forget none of it ever happened especially after a miscarriage. This is what a lot of women do, unfortunately every now and then the painful pangs return usually accompanied by guilt.   That is why it so important to remember your baby. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate garden; even a small garden or a potted plant will suffice. Even something simple as mentioning your child’s name is conversation can help your heal. Mentioning your child’s name is a way to honor the baby’s memory.