memorialgarden

Siblings of a child lost to miscarriage require and deserve to have their grief validated and supported.  Focus is usually laid on the mother and father, whilst the other children are minimized.  It is important to remember that these children often wonder why the loss occurred, and if they somehow caused it to happen.  The children also see their parents hurting and have no idea what to make of it.  As a parent you are the guide for children through a difficult time.  Children need to know that they are loved just as much and that it is okay to grieve.

There is a semi-steep slop on the west side of the

Memorial
Garden.  Right now it is covered in weeds.  It has to be weed whacked regularly.  We are thinking of planting something in mass.  Something that can cover the slope quickly and also be attractive.  Perhaps a ground cover will work well.  Turning this slope into a lawn isn’t very practical because of the pitch of the slope.  I have some giant Ajuga (bugleweed).  It spreads real fast.  It has larger leaves than the regular leaves of common ajuga that encroaches into the lawn.  The crowns are easy to plant ant pull out of the ground.  It puts up a stunning display of bluish-purple spikes in the early summer.  It is my hope that ajuga’s extensive root system will stop erosion on the slope.

When you have a late term loss or stillbirth, you are faced with a whirlwind of decisions; what to do with the gifts from the baby shower, when to clean in out the half done or completed nursery.  People will tell you that you will feel better if you clean the room out.  Some people actually feel better looking and feeling the things the baby never got a chance to use. 

There are really no right or wrong answers on what to do.  You can only do what feels right to you and do it when you feel ready to. 

NEVER!  People have a knack of saying the darnedest thing when they feel uncomfortable.   This comment is definitely not comforting even though God is invoked through it being a blessing.  The most common “Blessing” statement- It’s a blessing because your child was probably deformed.  In our society today people seem to only value perfection, if something isn’t perfect then it isn’t worth keeping.  This is an absolute falsehood.  Human life is always valuable – no matter how imperfect it is perceived to be.  A mother whose heart is breaking is incapable of differentiating between perfection and imperfection- all she knows is that she no long has her baby.

Your due date is hard day to get through after you have had a miscarriage.  More so if you are not pregnant again.  On that day its amazing how many hugely pregnant women you see, not to mention the number of new born babies you see.  It is a very difficult thing to have to go through.  When you are invited to a baby shower of a friend who was pregnant the same time as you, the pain will start all over again.  You think you are up to going, since your miscarriage was months earlier.  Be prepared to feel sad and actually envious.  Really search your heart and know if you strong enough to confront “your empty arms”.  If she was a real friend she’d understand if you declined her invitation.  Remember to take care of you.

Surprise pregnancies are always a blessing in disguise.  Sometimes the disguise is larger than you see past!  When you think about the next nine months and all the negative things your will have to endure to carry a pregnancy to fruition; the weight gain and the long journey to loose the weight, the morning sickness, the doctor’s appointments and the painful labor.  There are many things that go through your mind that can psyche you out a pregnancy.  The unspeakable happens and you have a miscarriage.  There is NO relief in that only guilt.  Guilt that you some how caused the miscarriage by secretly wishing you were not pregnant.  This guilt is hard to overcome- but time will help heal you.  In time you will realize that you really don’t have the power to wish a pregnancy away.

Sometimes you can derive such pleasure from a gardening task to the point where you feel guilty.  One such garden task is planting trees – not only is a tree an extremely useful addition to supporting the environment, a tree offers shade, can be ornamental, and will have a beautiful display of flowers in the spring.  The sheer pleasure of watching your tree grow makes all the gardening worth it. 

Choose a location where the tree can flourish to maturity without the hindrance of electric or telephone wires (Nothing more painful than watching a tree hacked by the electric company) or a tree planted too close to house where its roots upset the houses foundation. 

A well grown tree gives an air of maturity to a garden, adding height and depth.  Trees are the best memorial.  They grow steadily- a constant beautiful reminder of child who would have watched the tree grow if they had been here.

One of the natural reactions to a pregnancy loss or miscarriage is guilt.   Women spend time after their miscarriage trying to find that particular moment in time when they somehow inadvertently caused the miscarriage.  Was it something they ate, or was it that extra long walk they took?  The idea that it was something they did not do, like take their prenatals regularly.  The truth is that there is rarely a reason that one should blame themselves for a miscarriage.  Expect in the case of drug or alcohol abuse or maybe as a result of a gross eating disorder.  There is usually no foundation for this guilt but sadly it is a normal reaction and one has to work through it.  Talk to your doctor to try and figure out the reason why you miscarried.  This information will give you some closure.

One thing that crosses the mind of a woman dealing with a miscarriage is the question how soon after the loss can you get pregnant again.  Most doctors say to wait three cycles before trying to get pregnant again.  On average most women start trying after one cycle- without their doctor’s consent.  The need to feel pregnant again has a very strong pull.  The need to complete a job that one started.  Being pregnant starts to take a technical like necessity.  When you get pregnant before you have resolved or recovered from your loss, you are still emotionally raw.  This makes the pregnancy very difficult.  Emotions like guilt (for replacing you miscarried baby), fear (that you will experience another loss) and anxiety.  The next nine months turn into the longest nine months of your life.   It is therefore important to make sure you are emotionally stable before you start trying to have another baby.  Be honest with yourself.

After you have gone through a miscarriage you need to let yourself heal.  The emotional trauma associated with a miscarriage is very taxing.  Coming from a place where your hope is high to a place where you have no hope at all is difficult.  The first thing you need to do is rest.  Give your body a chance to heal and recover.  Rest as much as you can.  The healing journey ahead might be long and difficult.  Feeling start to develop in you that you did not expect; you may feel shocked about what you have just experienced, followed by a denial; not believing that your baby is lost, anger; where you lash out at anyone and anything, then depression and sometime down the line, acceptance.  It is important that you seek support and give yourself a chance to heal- which allows you to acknowledge your loss.  If the miscarriage or the loss of your baby isn’t acknowledge you end up repressing emotions