memorialgarden

Seeing weeds growing in Garden frustrates most people, so they go out and buy landscaping cloth or lots of mulch.    Weeds they say make an unsightly garden.  Quite the opposite for me. Weeds, I agree upset the harmony of the garden, just like all the tragic things that happen in our lives, but weeds can be taken care of.  Don a good pair of gloves and start pulling those weeds out, make sure you get the roots to ensure that they don’t return.  That act in itself is very rewarding;  I read it somewhere where someone equated it to pulling out the sorrow in your life.  Once you are done and look back on your manicured garden there is such a sense of accomplishment, and for those hours or minutes you spent out in the garden, your healing journey has started.  

There are many ways to remember our children but when we gathered together at a 2007 Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Event the healing journey really started for many of the attendees.  We cried, we laughed, we remembered and we walked together.  Each family signed the walk banner with a memory and then we carried the banner with us during the walk.  We also signed balloons which we released to the song FLY by Celine Dion.  The sky was so clear and blue on that fall day.  Watching those white balloons drift off into the blue sky was something I don’t think I’ll ever forget.  Before the balloon release I read something that I had written the night before.  I can’t remember it word for word but it had to do with the balloons disappearing from sight; even though we could not see them, they were there as real and as big as we had seen them when we had released them. Just like our babies; they were real and continue to be real- just out of our sight.  To find an event in your area check out www.october15th.com website.  

This coming weekend on the 4^th of October we are holding our 2^nd Annual Pregnancy and Infant Loss Walk which we have lovingly termed the “Forever in Our Hearts Walk”.  The planning of this event takes a lot work and time but it is always worth it.  While in the process of looking for speakers, I came across a cluster of particular women who prefer to keep their grief private and therefore declined an invitation to speak, but will attend the ceremony.  

This made me think of ways one would go about doing a private remembrance ceremony. All you need to do is come up with a ritual and a time to reflect.  The ritual can be the simple act of yearly adding a plant to your memorial garden, a balloon release,  or even going to the beach and setting flowers adrift all while reflecting on the child that is not with you.  Our memorial garden has an area where you can leave a river rock inscribed (with permanent ink) with your remembrance message.  The rocks will then find a home in the memorial garden in a dry pond where family members can come and reflect and honor their child’s memory.  You could follow your symbolic/ritual act with a prayer, a meditation or a song that is reflective.  This remembrance can be done on the anniversary of your loss or on the babies due date- whichever date is more poignant to you.   

Ritualizing and remembering your loss is very important in your healing journey, do it only when you feel ready to let go.

A couple of days ago a friend dropped off a few bags of Lamb’s Ears for the Memorial
Garden.  Their silver greenish foliage will add a nice contrast to the garden.  We have to be careful because they are known to be invasive when grown under the right conditions.  But that will work fine for us.  We were looking for plants that can survive the poor soil and almost no water conditions of our garden spot.  We were considering putting a child friendly garden area and I know these are perfect because of the way the feel almost suede- like to the touch and the way they look- like lamb’s ears.  I am sure our young visitors will enjoy them.  Best of all they are deer resistance.   

I also read online of a religious tie-in of the Lambs Ear with our babies.  Lamb’s Ear is also known as Jesus Flannel to the English; as it is soft enough to serve as Baby Jesus’ swaddling clothes and also another connection- Jesus is also known as the Lamb of God.  Perfect plant for our healing garden!

WHAT NOT TO SAY….

“Be thankful for the children that you have” … a well meaning friend.   

My hearts response:  I am thankful for my children, but I still wanted to be thankful for one more!   

“You can always have another baby”  My hearts response: At this particular moment I am not thinking about another baby, I am thinking of THIS baby that is no longer here with me. 

“It is for the best”  My hearts response: Who’s best?  Is it really best that my baby died? 

 “I understand how you feel, I have miscarried before” 

My hearts response: I really don’t think you understand how I feel.  Your grief was probably not the same as mine.

Pregnancy Loss Awareness events are popping up allover the country and are mostly attended by those directly affected whilst very few are there to support.  Maybe the lack of support has to do with the misconceptions about the grief associated with miscarriages like: Talking about miscarriages upsets people - This is not entirely true, It is the NOT talking about the miscarriage that upsets those who have miscarried.  Miscarriages are rare and not many people are affected. Definitely NOT true; one out of four pregnancies end in a loss.Miscarriages are not a real loss. This common misconception is not true: a family that losses a much anticipated pregnancy losses a much loved family member and grieves as such.  People take time out to attend funerals  even if they didn’t know the person real well. They do so to be supportive, but they do not take the time to attend Pregnancy Loss events to support a hurting and grieving family.   Since there are no funerals for miscarried babies these Events come close to serving the same purpose for grieved families.  Think about it– what excuse is good enough to miss a family members funeral?

It is not only about tears and pain while working through the grief for a pregnancy loss.  I have spent the last four or so years dwelling on the actual miscarriage; the intricate details of the days leading up to the miscarriage, the long night, and the even longer day following the loss.  The physical recovery phase is all a blur but all I remember about that time, is the immense sadness and emptiness I felt.  Lately I have decided on a different approach; how about focusing on the happier times. 

The excitement and anxiety surrounding the positive pregnancy test, the days when I walked around with a secret smile on my face.  I still remember gently rubbing my swelling belly in anticipation of the new life growing within; I tried back then to imagine what the baby would look like.  I was convinced I was carrying a boy and I also day dreamed and imagined how he’d fit into our family and what kind of personality he’d have.  I think of those days and I smile.  It was a fun and beautiful dance and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

Rachel Weeping for Children by Sondra Jonson

There are many ways to start your garden once you have determined the location.  You could first decide on your gardening style.  Formal or Casual, or maybe your location would determine whether your style of plants. Is your garden space in the shade and therefore your style would be suited for the group of plants that flourish in the shade.  I personally recommend starting with your memorial garden focal point.  This could be a sculpture, statue, memorial stones or whatever you find that is reflects your feeling.  Some people find a statue of a teddy bear to be appropriate while others prefer an angel or even a cross.  Whatever you decide make sure it is in proportion to your garden space.  For our Loss memorial garden we chose as our first statue a beautiful sculpture of Rachel Weeping for Her Children by Sondra Jonson.  The size was definitely proportional to our space.  Even a simple or ornate bird bath can add a certain feel to your garden space. 

Every now and then we are overcome with such sadness when we remember our losses.  Today is one of those days.  Not so much for me but for the millions of families affected by Miscarriages, Stillbirths and infant death.  It’s always so sad especially this time of the year.  October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and as usual we are hosting a Walk and Remembrance Ceremony.  It is always hard contacting the families who usually attend our events because sometimes I wonder if they’d rather just move on and not to remember and other families look forward to this remembrance event, this dilemma leaves me in a funk.  I am also working on the Program for the Remembrance Ceremony which includes listening to all those sad, sad songs of grief and loss.  It is really hard to find a good song of healing.  If I had my druthers, I’d write a song of hope and healing for those who are in that phase of their healing journey.   

Last year at our Remembrance event I gave away Indoor Plants.  I thought it would be a great idea to have a Memorial Plant right there on your desk top to take to work.  Maybe tie a beautiful ribbon around it, or put in a special plaque.  Unfortunately, I have such bad luck with Indoor Plants except for Jade and Aloe Plants that seem to thrive.  I know it has something to do with me forgetting to water them and also the direct sunshine that streams through my window.  My Aloe plants have survived that onslaught in the window because they have grown rather big and can no longer fit on the window pane and the kids generally keep away from them.  This year I am giving away Strawberry Plants to the walkers.  They are June bearing plants that took over my flowerbeds but are very prolific.  All I did was make sure all the runners rooted successfully, then after a nice rain, I went and dug them out and planted the runners in nice store bought dirt.  They seem to be thriving.  I have managed to pot 25 so far, I am hoping to pot 100!.  I have my work cut out for the next few days.  We are considering adding a strawberry bed to our Memorial Garden.  We wanted to be able to sell Strawberry Preserves as a part of our fundraising activities for the garden.  Anyway, I think most people will have success with the strawberries unlike the Indoor Plants which I am almost certain haven’t survived in at least 50% of the households they went to.  That can be very upsetting having a memorial plant and then watching it die…

Last year towards the end of September I went shopping for mums for our Pregnancy and Infant Loss memorial garden.  Mums bring much needed color to usher in the fall season.  I stopped by a neighborhood Nursery and was astounded by the amount of colors she had!  As stood among the sea of burgundy, orange and bronze colors of the mums, it occurred to me than none of them matched the color of the mood in the memorial garden.  The rich colors were actually weighing hard on my heart –it just didn’t seem appropriate to plant red or burgundy flowers.  It must have shown on my face because the owner walked over and offered her help.  I explained to her about the silent grief of miscarriages, and how we are attempting to give women a safe place to grieve (the memorial garden) and to encourage healing from pregnancy loss by gardening.  By the time I was done, I realized she had tears in her eyes.  She too had been touched by pregnancy loss.  Its always sad for me to see someone else walking in these shoes.  She GAVE me 20 mums for the garden!  She would have donated more but that was all I could fit in my van!!   

This year I decided to read up on the different meaning of the flowers colors.  Turns out that burgundy represents, wealth and prosperity; red – vigor, and passion; and orange – pride and abundant energy.  Maybe that’s why I didn’t pick some of those colors!  Well, that Nursery is out of business and this year I went elsewhere.  I ended up getting mostly white chrysanthemums.  We planted those today and they looked really nice and fresh there- did our hearts some good.  I did add some bronze ones in there to keep some color interest.  Unfortunately last year we lost most of the mums over the winter, this year we will be more careful.  So here are some tips to keep your mums alive over the winter.

1. Don’t cut them back to early
2. Cover the roots with mulch to protect them from the heaving from the freezing and thawing ground (regular mulch and not dead leaves which don’t allow good air circulation). Wait till the ground starts to freeze to do this.

My mums in my small garden have survived a few winters and I have successfully divided them so I have not had to buy mums for a few years.