memorialgarden

When people tell you that your grief is unhealthy because it is all you talk about, maybe it is time to take time for yourself.  It is time to relax and regroup.  It may be time to step back and exhale. People who were supporting you originally are finding it hard being around you, they won’t say it but talking about miscarriages all the time can be a drag to others.  So start journaling and give your friends a break. Look for online forum support groups.  Send your friends and support circle thank you cards and let them you appreciate their support.  They will appreciate it. 

Another perfect gift to give to a “Life Gardener” (that’s what we call the group of women who are using gardening to help heal after a miscarriage) is a gardening book. I enjoy reading my gardening books, planning ahead for the next gardening season.  There are many beginning gardening books available. Along the same vein how about a subscription to a gardening magazine. I have enjoyed several magazines but my favorite isn’t specifically a gardening magazine – its Mother Earth News. (Yes, my magazine arrived recently). My perfect morning is sitting at the table with a hot cup of tea and my magazine.

Gifts from Our support group always have a gardening theme. This is one of the gifts we are planning to give for the holidays. Give a gift of spring. Gardeners love spring bulbs, they look for them starting early in February here in the
North Country and when the crocuses peek through the snow.  Take a few spring bulbs, assorted and put them in a Hessian bag- this bags are breathable, the bulbs will not spoil. Put the bagged bulbs into a wooden box (the box that the clementines came in from the grocery is a perfect box/crate).  Next, print out a copy of the flowering bulb onto card stock, and on the back of the picture write the directions of how to plant the bulb or force it to bloom indoors. Add an empty pot with some potting soil or bulb fiber to the gift box.

With all the advances in technology in the medical field it surprises me that there are not many too many advances in understanding miscarriages and why they happen.  One would think that by the sheer numbers of babies that pass on yearly, there would be call to some sort of research. Maybe the survivors of miscarriages need to speak out – there are a lot us and let our voices be heard… maybe we can create some change and give the future generations hope. I am pleased with the progress made in the research associated with SIDS and the number of babies being saved. To that end, we just need to get the message out. 

Can you mourn a blighted ovum? Yes, you can and should. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise or don’t let the notion of there was no baby hold back your tears. There was conception, so there was a life, a life that you cherished and loved; a life that meant something. You cannot pretend that your feelings were not real since the baby wasn’t real.  We have no idea what causes blighted ovum but we sure know what they start as… a baby.   So whether you believed that there was a baby or not the psychological buildup is still there, so you should go through the grieving process. Let yourself cry…

If you are here because your search brought you to this page- my heart goes out to you.  Bleeding in early pregnancy could be a sign that you are having a miscarriage.  With all that said, bleeding doesn’t necessarily mean a miscarriage. Schedule an appointment to see your doctor ASAP and insist on being seen. If anything can be done, it is best to be addressed early on. Rest… Rest… rest… If your doctor confirms your worst fears, there is nothing that can prepare you for the sinking feeling in your heart except the slim hope that your doctors might be wrong. That is the best time to reach out to women who have walked in your shoes before you. The internet is full of support groups, and forums geared towards providing you with support.

Here are some helpful links to support groups

www.messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhmiscarriag

www.mend.org

www.silentgrief.com

Babycenter’s chat group are always filled with understanding women

www.babycenter.com/chat

People think that remembering your baby on the day of your loss may be strange practice, on this day you will notice how different you feel, maybe more cynical, weary or maybe more determined. Whatever changes you loss brought it is important to acknowledge it.

It is important to know that this day can be a major setback in your healing process if you are not prepared in advance. People spend the day going down a list of “What ifs”. You child will always be a part of you and so it is important to mark and remember this day. It is okay to feel sad. It is also important to do some kind of ritual to feel close to your baby.  Simple things you can do

·        A balloon release

·        Plant a tree

·        Buy a small token for your memory box

·        Write a journal entry for your memory box

(On a personal note: I always feel sad because I lost the innocence associated with a healthy pregnancy, whenever I see a pregnant woman, I feel the need to pray for the pregnancy that it turns out fine and that she may never have to endure a pregnancy loss)

After a miscarriage it is normal to feel that life has no meaning or no purpose. Those first few days are always the hardest, besides feeling the physical pain; the emotional pain can also keep you down. One of the best ways to get yourself off the sofa is to find or accept support. Let people take care of you, don’t try and be a super woman. If people offer to cook meals for you, or run your errands let them. Besides it being helpful to you, it also helps them through their healing process. You will find that your family dynamic has changed, as it works its way through the change try not to make any major decisions during this initial phase. 

I was looking through one of my gardening books and in it I found an interesting gift.  It was called a Grow your own wine kit.  Looks like something I would like to receive.

Materials

• Wooden wine box
• Sandpaper
• Varnish
• Paint brush
• Grape vine
• Pot
• Compost
• Clean empty wine bottles
• New corks
• Demijohn

1. Sand down the wine box and vanish the box
2. Let the box dry
3. Decorate the box with artwork (If you are talented)
4. Design some labels for the plant growing instruction and for the wine making instructions
5. Arrange the wine bottles, corks in small pot, demijohn and potted grape vine in the wine box- making an attractive presentation. Fill the wine box with bark.

After you loose a baby, you have to let you body heal not only from the wounds of your loss but also the other symptoms that go along with the stress of the situation.  Chances are you are not sleeping well.  You may feel like you are walking in a fog unable to remember anything, unable to concentrate on any task at hand.  Don’t try and take on too much.  Allow yourself the time to exhale and breath.  If you feel like you are loosing it, this is all normal.  But if you feel your depression is becoming too oppressive, and talking about it isn’t helping, maybe you should seek professional help.  Talk to your doctor, midwife or health care provider. They will understand and point you in the right direction.